


Reaching a Star

by goldtoashes, heirsofbrokenlegacies (jarofhearts)



Series: Making the most of loving you [4]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien, Tolkien - Fandom
Genre: Age Difference, Coming of Age, Detention, Fingon Has a Crush, First Kiss, Good Older Sibling Maedhros (Tolkien), M/M, Maedhros Being a Third Parent, Soulmates, Teenage Stupidity, Years of the Trees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28216407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldtoashes/pseuds/goldtoashes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarofhearts/pseuds/heirsofbrokenlegacies
Summary: Findekáno acts upon his feelings and Maitimo has to face a shocking (or maybe not so shocking) revelation.
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Series: Making the most of loving you [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034202
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	Reaching a Star

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing to add this time except thank you for all being here and sharing our love for these characters. Your comments especially make our day, so extra thanks for those!

Looking back, I should have seen it coming. More than that - maybe I should have understood what it was long before I did, had I been just a little more aware. Of him, and of me.

But in the great scheme of things, it wouldn’t really have changed a thing. That was the beauty of much simpler times.

Who knows, though, how it would have happened if not like this: With me tiptoeing through the underbrush, a nearby bird’s song and the breeze in the crowns of the trees as cover as I listened closely for familiar, young voices in a place they had no business being.

Would they  _ really _ …?

“I told you,  _ hundreds  _ of times.”

Oh they certainly were. I would recognize my little brother’s bluster anywhere, and if he was here, then Fin would be too, just like little Curvo had said. And indeed, I did not have to wait long for his response, his voice expressing more than a little doubt at Tyelko’s words.

“Did you? It  _ looks _ pretty steep. And Nelyo said it was a hard climb even for  _ him _ .”

“Maybe he told  _ you  _ that, so you wouldn’t,” Tyelko shot back, and I suppressed a disbelieving huff. I could see them now through the foliage, a head of silverblond and another of dark hair tilted up towards Soronaxë, the great rockface - only that they were not alone. Findo sat beside them with his legs folded underneath him, head tipped up all the way to see the sky above the Pelori.

Of course.

“So are you two going to do this?” he asked. “It’s past noon already and at some point they  _ will  _ miss us in Tirion.”

Fin shrugged, decidedly nonchalant. “Well, if the Fëanárion finally stops bragging about the hundreds of times he supposedly already has climbed the Soronaxë…”

“Only if the Ñolofinwion stops talking to hide the fact that he’s scared, and starts  _ climbing _ .” Tyelko was rubbing his hands, a determined, gleeful expression on his face.

“Scared, huh?” Fin huffed, walked over to the rock and placed his hands on the ragged stone, testing for a good place to start. “All right, watch me, Tyelko. We’ll see who’s scared.”

“You’re on,” my little brother grinned, stepped up next to our cousin, and without being prompted, Findo counted down from three.

As one, Tyelko and Fin started climbing, and since I knew from personal experience that the start of it wasn’t that hard, they were up several feet in the blink of an eye.

The start of it was  _ never  _ the problem. And I had seen more than enough.

“Turcafinwë, Findekáno! Get down from there  _ right now _ .”

Despite my indignation, it was hard to bite back a smirk when the two of them were literally freezing in their movements on the wall, Findo jumping up to his feet right away, giving me a wide-eyed stare.

“Oh,  _ stars _ ,” Fin muttered, but did not hesitate to follow my demand, jumping off and landing elegantly on the ground. Tyelko was a bit slower to follow, quickly looking up the rockface first as if he was considering whether it was worth trying to outclimb rather than face me. Eventually, however, even he seemed to reason that it was better to follow his cousin down to the ground.

I had stepped out into the open so I could glare at them fully, the worry I had felt on my way here fuelling the anger.

“ _ What were you thinking? _ This is a whole new level of irresponsible, even for the two of you!”

Fin and Tyelko were exchanging a nervous glance, none of them eager to speak up first. Eventually, it was Fin who took heart.

“Uhm, it was some kind of challenge…” He gave me a contrite look clearly meant to appease my temper but it barely had any effect right in this moment. “Tyelko and I thought you did it, too, and so -”

“I did it when I was  _ fully grown _ ,” I growled, wanting to grab them both by their collars and give them a shake as though they were still little children.

They were not, but also not as grown up as they liked to think.

“You could have seriously hurt yourselves. And you!” I rounded on Findo, giving him a similar glower to that I had given his cousins. “You  _ encouraged  _ them!”

“I would have never! I swear I had  _ no  _ idea this climb was so dangerous,” Findo protested, a perfect pretense of innocence on his face that I did not buy for a second. The Soronaxë was used by young adult elves as a test of daring and strength and was widely known to be dangerous when lacking either - or a certain height and reach.

“Findo had nothing to do with this, the blame’s on Tyelko and me,” Fin nevertheless agreed, while my brother was glaring back at me.

“Yes, leave Findo out of this. What are  _ you  _ doing here, sneaking up on us anyway? Don’t you have anything better to do than parenting us?”

“Not when you two have nothing better to do than daring each other to break your necks,” I growled, impatiently gesturing at all of them to get away from the wall of rock rising above our heads. This time, they all followed without hesitation. “If I were you, I’d be glad that I’m not  _ either  _ of your parents.”

“At least tell us who snitched on us,” Tyelko huffed, shooting an angry glare at Fin. “Bet it was your lame brother.”

“I didn’t tell Turko  _ anything _ ,” Fin gave back pointedly, “but I bet you couldn’t stop bragging to Moryo and Curvo where we’d be today, could you?”

“I did not!” Tyelko shot back immediately, but even if I hadn’t actually heard it from little Curvo, I knew what the flush rising on the back of his neck meant.

I let out a small huff. “Listen to you. We’re going home, all of us. Right now.”

Just as I wanted to turn away, I felt a hand closing around my wrist. Fin was looking up at me ruefully out of big grey-blue eyes.

“Nelyo… wait, please. Tyelko and I didn’t want to scare anyone, we just thought…” He sighed deeply, not finishing his sentence. “Maybe we  _ didn’t  _ really think about it.”

“But we’re really sorry if we worried you,” Findo was quick to jump to his side and, inevitably, I felt some of my anger drain away. At least they were safe, and understood the folly of their actions. Still, I turned my eyes towards my brother, raising my eyebrows in a silent prompt.

But Tyelko crossed his arms in front of his chest and met my gaze defiantly. “So what are you going to do?”

“Tie you up and hang you by your feet from a tree, if you insist on digging your heels in now,” I said with a new flare of irritation, ushering Fin and Findo back onto the path leading down between the trees.

Tyelko let out a short, huffed laugh. Obviously he wasn’t going to give in that easily. “Oh,  _ try me _ , Nelyo. Act as imperiously as you want, but you’re  _ not  _ father.”

“Do you want me to  _ involve  _ father in this?” I tried to keep my voice calm, but my anger wasn’t making it easy. “Do you?”

The question was a rhetorical one of course. Tyelko glared at me a few moments longer, but then broke our gaze first and angrily kicked at a rock on the path. “Fine, I’ll come. But just so you know, you’re the worst.”

I merely rolled my eyes at him and, once Tyelko trudged past me, finally turned to glance down the path towards where our cousins were waiting, watching, and doubtlessly having listened to everything we said. Both were sporting a remorseful, nervous look, but if I had to put my finger on it, I would have said that Fin’s seemed a little more sincere to me.

“ _ Are _ you going to tell our fathers, Nelyo?” Findo asked tentatively, and I let out a still half annoyed but already half weary sigh.

“If I’m not going to tell mine, I won’t tell yours. As long as you live with the consequences and don’t all decide to put up a fight,” I said and pointedly glanced at my brother again who - we all knew - was the most likely candidate for it.

“We won’t,” Fin said quickly before Tyelko could act out again, even though it earned him an angry glare from my brother. “What consequences?”

“What do you think?” I returned, even though I couldn’t help -  _ never  _ could, it seemed - that I softened a little in the face of Fin’s contrition. “What kind of consequences should there be for the kind of folly you three have shown?”

The expression on all their faces made me bite back a smirk - it was clear that they were glad that I didn’t plan on telling their parents. Yet especially Tyelko looked wary of what else I would have in mind for them. 

He knew me well enough to sense he had reasons to be wary, after all.

***

“This is such nonsense!” 

With an exasperated sigh, my brother dropped his quill to shoot me another annoyed glare. “Are you actually telling me that anyone in Aman needs a copy of this drivel about existential properties and the union of  _ fëa _ and  _ hröa,  _ Nelyo? You didn’t just happen to pick out the most boring text in this library by any chance?”

“We can swap if you find the dispersion of the Two Tree’s light at the hour of dawn more entertaining,” Fin suggested. Findo was already writing away, not even taking his eyes off the pages as he said, “I’m keeping the advantages of symbiotic relationships between  _ kelvar  _ and  _ olvar, _ ” and Tyelko let out a huff.

“Real teacher’s pet, aren’t you.”

But his glare was directed at me - something I ignored with the benefit of several years of experience. Tyelko, after all, had always been like this: the quickest of my brothers to voice his displeasure about anything and anyone that did not align with his goals or his mood. Yet at the same time he, even more than Káno sometimes, sought my presence when something was truly bothering him, be it to only sit silently in a corner of my room while I read or wrote. Sometimes he would talk eventually, sometimes he would not. What I knew was that either way, when he left, his  _ fëa _ was clearer, and that was all that mattered.

“The faster you work, the quicker you’re free to leave,” was all that I commented without looking up from the book I had in my lap - one of the many within the large library of Tirion that I visited quite frequently. Just this very morning I had learned that the scholars were currently busy copying large amounts of texts for the library over in Alqualondë, so I didn’t have to think long to come up with a suitable punishment for the three culprits. Our aunt Findis, the head librarian, had been delighted to have three of her nephews willing to assist in this endeavour and had gladly assigned us a small study in which they wouldn’t disturb anyone.

For a while, there was only the rustling of pages before Fin spoke up again. “I was wondering… this text is still written in Sarati. If I am to copy it, wouldn’t it make sense to update it to Tengwar right away?”

His question made me look up at him in surprise, just fast enough to catch the look of utter disbelief on Tyelko’s and that of intrigue on Findo’s.

“That does seem like a good idea,” I said and gave Fin a smile that he returned happily.

“I might need some help with that, though,” he added tentatively, and I did not hesitate to close my book and bring my chair in closer to his.

“You have it.”

I could hear Tyelko let out a soft, choked noise but that, too, I was used to. Fin was not the most studious young elf, having preferred action to theory even as a child. But whenever he came to me for knowledge or I attempted to teach him anything, he showed a patience often lacking in other matters.

I certainly could never complain. And it was actually a rather pleasant past time, teaching Fin how to transfer one script into another, to watch his hand produce the flowing letters my father had invented, and have him hang on my lips when I pointed out differences between the two writing systems. We got so lost in the task that I was surprised when Findo told me he was finished with copying his text. As he had filled several pages with his flawless handwriting and Laurelin’s light was already fading, I told him he could go home.

The expression on Tyelko's face had become dangerously dark by then and I realized with a pang of guilt that I had indeed not paid any attention to his or Findo's progress at all for quite some time.

"How are you getting on?" I tried to amend the situation, the tone of my voice kind even though I had a feeling that it would do me no good.

“Oh, bite it, all right,” Tyelko growled, throwing his quill on the piece of parchment filled with his scruffy handwriting in a frustrated movement. It left a large, blotchy inkstain on the parchment. “I’m leaving, too. Fin made you do half his work anyways, so it’s only fair he has to stay longer.” And without bothering to clean up after him, he stormed off just after Findo. 

I didn’t try to hold him back, watching him go instead with a small, resigned sigh. Maybe that one really was on me.

“Do you want to leave too?” I turned back to Fin, because if my brother got to leave without me holding him back, the same should apply to my cousin, if he so wished. But he only shrugged, giving me a good-natured smile. 

“I’m in no hurry. And there is still a page or so left.” Yet he seemed also in no particular hurry to continue with his work, getting up to close the door behind Tyelko. “Don’t worry about him. He won’t even think about it anymore by tomorrow.”

He might even be right, I conceded with a small half-laugh, half-sigh. For a moment, I simply watched Fin as he sat back down and took up his quill again, but kept his gaze on me instead of turning it back to his work.

There seemed to be something he wanted to say, so I just raised my eyebrows in a subtle prompt.

“Are we - “ he started off, then hesitated, plucking on his quill absent-mindedly. “Are you still angry with me?”

It was a fair question deserving fair consideration after everything, I supposed. Though I already knew the answer to his question.

“Barely,” was what I said, unable to prevent the corners of my mouth from twitching softly. Fin caught it and gave me a relieved smile in return. 

“I just want you to know… I’m really sorry. For having you worry and come after us. And on top of all that, now you couldn’t even finish your book because of me,” he added with the hint of a whimsical grin that made a light, amused smirk spread on my lips in turn.

“I believe it will still be here tomorrow, so you need not worry about it.” And indeed, if given the choice between a book and spending the time teaching Fin any subject in the world, I would always choose the latter.

The thought made my expression sober, and I watched him curiously.

“Why the Soronaxë?” I wanted to know. “All three of you know that it’s dangerous.”

“Uhm. I guess so. I just…” He rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers, contemplating his answers. “I didn’t want Tyelko to call me a coward, you know. Also…” There was a soft flush on his cheeks as he gave me a bashful look. “ _ You _ did it too.”

“Fin…” If there was a reproach in my voice, it was of the most gentle sort. “Not when I was your age. And you have to learn - both of you - not to be goaded by each other, especially into something stupid over the matter of  _ pride _ .”

“That wasn’t it,” he muttered. “Not about my pride, anyway.”

Again, my eyebrows rose up a little. "What was it then?"

He shrugged a little, putting his quill down and looking at it as if it was the most interesting thing. “Maybe I just wanted to do something… so that  _ you  _ would be proud of me. That you’d think I was brave.”

If I was entirely honest with myself, I had feared that such a thing might have been part of it, especially after the argument that I had made the same climb a couple of years ago. And while it should have made me exasperated, angry for the sake of his safety, there was also something… softer. Something that made me reach out and put a hand on my cousin’s lower arm.

“Fin, I already know that you are brave. You don’t need to prove that to me. What I am asking is to not let that turn into recklessness.”

“Hm, I get it,” he said softly, leaning closer to rest his head against my shoulder as he had done so often when he was younger. He was quiet for a moment.

“It  _ was  _ reckless, not brave. If I was  _ really _ brave, I’d -”

But he didn’t continue, the way it often happened when his thoughts were getting away from him and his mouth was faster than his mind.

So I prompted him quietly, because as of yet, he had never refused me an answer.

“You’d what?”

“Do this,” he said and before I had the chance to react, he reached out and kissed me, freezing me on the spot. His warm lips were moving tentatively against mine and even though he was clearly inexperienced, there was no way to mistake this for an innocent smack that a child would give to his favorite older cousin, as he’d done in times past.

It was like a surge of heat that rose up and spilled over in my chest, took away my breath and made my mind go blank. Something fell into place in the most basic, most right way imaginable, warm and peaceful, swallowing up all the doubts and fears that had been plaguing me for years.

And then came the shock, climbed up in my chest and closed up my throat, made me pull away with a wildly beating heart that was now scared in a very different way than before. And I  _ stared  _ at my cousin, my first, the one my heart had held dearest ever since Anairë had first placed him into my arms to hold when I had still been a child and his blue-grey eyes had fixed on me.

_ This is wrong _ , a voice hissed insistently in my head, clawing at that feeling of warmth and peace that was still wrapped around my heart.

He did not not move as if still trying to contemplate what he had just done. But there was an expression of utter certainty on his features that was in stark contrast to the confusing feelings and thoughts in my mind.

“You know it, too,” was all that he said. “You  _ must  _ know it.”

I got up from my chair as if that would get me away from the overwhelming bewilderment that had gripped me, from the two poles tearing at me with sudden force.

_ You must know it. _

Oh, but that wasn’t  _ possible _ .

“Fin, no… you’re -”

_ Too young. _

But he would not always be. But, oh, if that had been  _ all _ .

“I’m your  _ cousin _ .”

There was a flicker of embarrassment on his features. Yet he shrugged, a little apologetically. “Well… your  _ half- _ cousin,” he pointed out as if that would change  _ anything _ .

I ran my hand down my face, overwhelmed suddenly with weariness and sadness, and the helplessness of not knowing what to do. All this was something that could impossibly be solved right now, not when I had no idea what to do at all. When it felt like there was something tearing at me from both sides, and I did not know which way to turn.

For maybe the first time in my life entirely lost for words, I simply sagged against the window, without any answer. Silence hung between us, until I heard a soft rustling of clothes when Fin got up from his chair, and then felt a very gentle touch on my hand.

“Nelyo - I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

I couldn’t bring myself to be angry or even upset with Fin, even less so with the expression that was now on his face. But what was I supposed to tell him?

So I just looked at him helplessly, and then let out a sigh.

“You’re still so young, Fin. Who - who knows what -”

“I’ve always known that I love you, though,” he replied, but then hesitated. “But maybe… if you don’t know…” He took a deep breath, and eventually there was a flash of uncertainty on his face.

“Nelyo, am I wrong here?” 

Big, grey-blue eyes were pleading with me,  _ say it isn’t so… _

I knew right away what I  _ should _ do. He presented me with the best opportunity to do the sensible thing, to let him down gently. But even when I opened my mouth to say it, my heart was screaming at me, fighting me with all it had because deep down, I knew,  _ I knew _ ,  **_I knew_ ** .

_ I have always known that I love you. _

Finally, I was able to move again, to raise my hand and lightly touch the side of his face in a gesture as gentle and affectionate as I always wanted to.

“I think -” was what I said, my voice quiet, wavering. “I think we’ll have to wait and see.”

He sighed, closed his eyes and leaned into the touch of my hand. When he opened them again, the brief moment of insecurity had passed and he was looking back at me affectionately. “That’s alright. I  _ can _ wait - even though it may not be my strongest suit,” he added with the hint of a smirk.

And I didn’t understand how he could be so positive, so confident about this when there were so many doubts swirling around in my head. But just seeing it in him, right now, gave me strength, and a wave of something that could only be pure love surged up in my chest for him.

“I’m sorry,” was everything I could bring over my lips, the one who was apologizing this time.

“Don’t be,” he muttered, reaching for my hand and giving it a short, encouraging squeeze. "I've waited until now, I can wait a little longer." He stepped towards me but then hesitated and gave me a questioning look.

He wouldn’t have needed to. The urge to draw him close and into my arms for an embrace had been strong before and was near overwhelming now. So I simply gave in, drew him closer and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, as much in comfort for him as it was for me. He sighed with relief, wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head against my chest as he’d done so often before. There was no weirdness and the closeness felt as right and soothing as it ever had.

Fin  _ was  _ right, a part of me deep down inside knew. And I would have as well, much earlier, had my mind been open enough to consider the possibility. If it had not been bogged down and distracted by all my other feelings of doubt and guilt whenever I even thought about a bond, a marriage, a family.

Maybe I had forgotten to listen to my heart all this time and I had so much to learn from Fin’s certainty, his hope and faith.

‘Nelyo!’ I remembered his answer being, so many years ago when he had barely been old enough to properly speak and, as adults sometimes did, he had been asked who he would want to marry when he was grown up.

I remembered how everyone had laughed, charmed.

I closed my eyes and tightened my embrace.


End file.
